Something broken

Something broken inside me. Something that I don't even know. Last night was a longest night. I lie on my bed and was staring at my blank walls. I tried to imagine the future but it was as blank as those walls. I cried a lot but I don't know why. Maybe I'm crazy but crying makes my pain pass by. I was pretending to smile in front of people that I loved. Smiling is just going to take away all the pain but we only can hide the pain for a while. They look at me and think "she is so happy" "she loves to laugh" but there is so much behind this smile and laugh that you will never know. I have a tendency to hurt myself physically when I am hurting inside. But I know it is wrong and never worth it. It is hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right. They don't understand. You don't. No one does. Sometimes I feel that no one loves me. Then I just say "I'm fine" and just walk away. But nobody cares. I don't know maybe I am overly paranoid. Too scared to live, too scared to love, too scared to even care...

Alhamdulillah

Menuntut ilmu biarlah sampai ke negara China. Biarlah kita hina kerana menuntut ilmu. Kehinaan yang kita tempuhi dalam perjalanan mencari ilmu tidak mengapa kerana nanti ilmu itu akan memuliakan kita kelak. Tak kisah nanti apa yang kita akan jadi. Peguam, guru, pensyarah, usahawan atau apa sahaja, yang penting kita mesti kenal Allah. Menuntutlah ilmu kerana-Nya. Orang berilmu akan di julung dan di angkat di Syurga.

Alhamdulillah finally I did my first semester at UiTM Jengka, Pahang. 5 semesters to go, insyallah I'll perform well for every semester. Semoga Allah tetapkan hati, kuatkan iman, kukuhkan diri dan jauhkan diri dari perbuatan mungkar. Amin :) Anyway, I am so-very-excited for the next semester! Couldn't imagine that hehehehehe. What will gonna happen, and apa isu isu yang bakal jadi, mungkin suasana akan jadi berbeza from what I had go through. But wait, results this semester? Hmph, takutnya! Dah lah tak nak fikir. Bye!

Dari diriku buat dirimu

Sewaktu kali pertama aku dilahirkan di dunia, di bumi Allah S.W.T. Semuanya terasa begitu asing. Aku hanya seorang anak kecil yang lemah. Aku tidak mampu mengeluarkan suara malah mengeluarkan kata kata. Aku hanya mampu untuk memandang dua orang insan di hadapanku dengan penuh persoalan. Ya Allah, mengapa aku di sini? Mengapa engkau menciptaku? Adakah kerana takdir dan qada dan qadarmu, yang menempatkan aku di bumi ini? Atau aku dilahirkan sebagai seorang umat, sebagai seorang hamba untuk beribadah kepadamu?

Betapa berterima kasihnya aku kerana aku telah berjaya dilahirkan tanpa ada sedikit pun cacat celanya. Aku dilahirkan dengan sesempurna ciptaanmu. Cukup semua anggota, mata tangan kaki mulut hidung dan cukup sifatnya. Tidak seperti anak yang lain, yang tidak sempurna tubuhnya. Betapa hancurnya hati seorang ibu apabila melihat ketidaksempurnaan anak yang dilahirkan tetapi mereka masih menjaganya, masih memberi kasih sayang kerana sesungguhnya itu adalah amanat dari Allah. Sedarlah manusia, bahawa semua nikmat dan semua yang kita punyai di dunia ini adalah pinjaman sementara. Bersyukur dengan apa yang dikurniakan. Janganlah sesekali engkau takbur dan bongkak dengan apa yang ada.

Kepada ibu yang telah melahirkan dan membesarkan aku dengan penuh kasih sayang tanpa berbelah bagi, jagaan dan perhatianmu menjadikan aku seorang manusia kini. Jika engkau tidak melarang dan jika engkau tidak menegurku, mungkin aku akan berpeleseran tiada hala tuju. Kepada ayahku, terima kasih tidak terhingga kerana tidak pernah mengenal erti penat, tidak tahu erti payah mencari sesuap nasi untuk kami semua. Bukan sahaja sesuap nasi, malah semua keperluan kami engkau tidak sia sia kan. Tidak pernah walau sekali kau merungut, tidak pernah walau sekali kau bersungut. Apa yang tiada, engkau adakan. Apa yang kurang, engkau lebihkan. Begitu besar pengorbananmu ayah. Begitu besar kasihmu ibu.

Mungkin aku pernah meninggikan suara, mungkin aku pernah membohongimu ibu, mungkin aku pernah memarahimu ayah. Maafkan segala ketelanjuran, maafkan segala sikap yang telah aku zahirkan. Sesungguhnya aku dibawah pengaruh nafsu oleh syaitan dan iblis. Ampunkan dosa dan segala kesalahan yang telah aku lakukan. Pandanglah kehadapan jangan sesekali kau toleh kebelakang. Biarkan yang berlalu jangan dikenang.

Bimbinglah aku ibu, tegurlah aku ayah. Aku berjanji kepadamu ibu, aku berjanji kepadamu ayah, aku akan menjadi seorang anak, seorang hamba Allah yang solehah, yang mentaati segala suruhan dan perintah-Nya, yang menjaga solatnya, yang menjaga amalnya. Restuilah perjalananku agar aku menjadi orang berilmu dan berguna untuk agama. Kerana itu aku disini. Kerana itulah Allah menempatkan aku disini. Berkatilah pelajaranku, janganlah kau menjadikan segala yang orang tua aku lakukan itu sia sia. Insyallah. Tentukanlah jodoh buatku yang baik, yang mentaati perintahmu supaya dapat dia membimbing aku ke jalan yang diredhai. Amin.

Bingkisan Cinta dari Hati Nurani,

Nurhasmira binti Azmi 

Single or inarelationship?

I'm pretty single and not committed. I have a multitude of friends and acquaintances and enjoys my single status much. I'm free to live life individually, without the pressures and expectations that are often associated with a committed relationship. I'm tired of giving my everthing and end up with nothing. Life is truly an unpredictable affair and you have no idea about how it can change at any point of time. So, I think I prefer being single for now rather than getting committed to someone. Dealing with relationships and making them successful is not everyone’s cup of tea. Relationships require emotional investment, as well as a lot of time to make things work. But after a while, I get tired of seeing cute couples around and miss that feeling of being taken. I start to wonder when I'm going to be part of one. Insyallah one day. Or maybe Allah's saving me for someone special :)

PS: Ya Allah, pertemukan aku dengan jodoh yang taat pada perintah dan suruhan-Mu dan yang dapat membimbing aku ke jalan yang diredhai. Amin.

Do you know this girl?

She has secret you will never know or understand,
She appears so strong on the outside,
But on the inside her world is spinning upside down,
She's smilling and standing tall to the outta world,
She's crying and breaking down in her inner world.

She appears so happy to her mates,
But alone she shares her tears with her pillow,
She knows not to get her hopes up,
As they always come crashing down,
She's heard it all before and felt it all,
She's experienced more than her fair share.

She trusts no one because the people she has hurt and leave her.
She believes no one because the people she has, lie and betray her.
So for now, she'll keep to herself,
and pretend everything is fine when everything is wrong.

Now answer me, do you know this girl?

Listen here

I've erased you from everything. I mean it. You-are-the-most-hated-person-I-have-ever-met. You are so jerk. So stupid. But honestly, I was really thank you for that. Looking for what I've been through and knowing all those were not worth it, it's hurt. Really hurt. Those wounds and scars can never fade. I've wasted my time being with you. I was stupid enough. I've forgive you but for us to be friends is impossible. You are not a human. You have no feelings. Son of bitch. Karma will pay you back. Kinda hid the real reason why you left me? Ah nonsense bro. Oh yeah, the main thing is just want to be in good terms with me? HAHAHA funny idiot. Oh forgot. You are the hottest one at your place is it? Why? Takut nama busuk? Takut orang cakap kau itu ini? No need to say sorry and don't you dare to contact my sister anymore. Anyway I don't mind who you are, anak Datuk ke Tan Sri ke, kau tetap sampah di mata aku. Forever will be.

Happy belated birthday

Sorry for the late wish, sister. Being busy this lately. Didn't mean to forget your birthday. Really hope that you will pass your final with flying colours. I'll pray for your health and may Allah bless you always. Be strong whatever happen and I'm always here beside you no matter what. Happy belated birthday again, I love you ♥

Malaysia book of record!

WELL DONE JENGKARIANS. WE ARE THE BEST!

Being scared to love?

It was very difficult to start another relationship and trust in anyone. But I found that no matter what the circumstances, I must always have faith in people and trust our creator. So heres to the new beginnings. I dedicated this to all those who is finding true love,

I wanted to love you,
But I was just too scared.
Haunted by the past,
That always seemed to reappear.

I tried my best to run and hide,
With excuses and all.
Should I give love a second chance?
Or am I just wasting my time?

You said you were different,
But so did the rest.
Then you looked into my eyes,
But I'm not sure what I felt.

Ya Allah, how can this be true?
Everything is happening so fast.

I'm afraid to fall in love again,

I'm afraid he is going to be the same.

I'm not searching and waiting,

Bcs this is not what I've been looking for.

Maybe we only need that special kind of love from above.

Tiring week at campus

This week is such a tiring week at my campus. A lot of activities and program. Kemahiran insaniah, kesatria and all. I didnt touched any books and test is just around the corner. I'm freaking scared and not sure if I can perform well. No time to relax and chilling at all . But it feels good to finally get the chance to sleep just now. Hehe. After we've done our CTU test, we had a lunch at town and had some walk around the town. And I swear, I'm getting fat. Ei damn. Tomorrow we finally gonna have our matrix card. Yeay! Okay hasmira, go study. Awak bukan pandai pun.

1 Malaysia

Hello!

Today such a tiring day. First, I got kawad for kesatria then 1 Malaysia program. Freaking tired and really need to take a rest. I have to do this for the additional marks for my final exam. We did the 1 Malaysia's logo using colourful recycle thingy. It was nice and fun. I-t-h-i-n-k-s-o. It was such a memorable day, enjoyed the team work with my classmates. We are going to be together for 3 years :) Alright, got to back to dataran integrasi. Bye.

One Step At a Time, Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

Some thoughts

Hi guys!

It is has been a very long time since I have come on here, the reason being is because I am happy and thankful for what I've been through. I used my blog as a way to tell  how I felt when I thought no-one listened or even cared but now things are different, I have changed. I look back at posts and I am disgusted with myself the way in which I put my negative feelings on my blog. So, I deleted it.

Life is really good for me now. I have finally got rid of the depression, I'm at university technology of Mara, Jengka Pahang campus, studying business studies, I am out all the time and have the amazing friends who make me so happy. I have no boyfriend right now, but I don't care at all. I know my journey is way longer. I'm tired of trying and crying for the same reason. I'm tired of being stupid. I'm tired of giving too much for my past relationship. Love, trust, hopes. Besides, I can do anything for my own. No one can control my life to do this and that. I'm 18. I am not a stupid little kid. Boys, stop playing around with girls' feeling. What goes around comes around. It's karma.

Okay past is past. Enough. Now I am in part 1 under faculty of business management. Junior. My classes are not too pack and alhamdulillah for that. Been thinking a lot about exams lately! Have to work out if I want A's in every subjects. I have a lot of revision to start doing. But I-am-still-here-blogging. Dude, final exam is around the corner. I haven't prepare yet and damn worried. Stop playing. I have to done well for this semester. I have to.

Plans for 2012:

1. Study and focus 100% during class and tutorial

2. Make my parents proud of me

3. DEAN LIST

4. Boyfriend? Hm, nvm. Let him find me :)

5. Have a great time bcs life is too short. Live our life to the fullest!